Monday, November 16, 2009

But Why Can't I Please Everyone?

"Hi. My name is Amy, and I'm a people pleaser."

And the crowd says, "Hi, Amy."

Yes, I admit it, I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy; in particular, happy with me. If you are a people pleaser (or maybe even if you're not) you have learned, as I have, that you can't please everyone. It can not be done. "Why not," you ask? Well, the first and most important reason is because people are different. God made them that way for a lot of important reasons. If people are different it means they don't like the same things and that includes not liking the same people.

That was a hard lesson for me to accept. The first time I remember having to accept this reality was in high school. I was not in any one clique; I knew a lot of people because (I talk a lot and) I tried to be nice to everyone. My Daddy taught me this was the way to live- so, I did. Well, there was a girl in school who was not known for being nice. As a matter of fact she was known for being tough. Not mean exactly- just tough. You didn't mess with her and she didn't mess with you. No, I didn't get in a fight with her because I tried to make her like me and she did not pick on me or anything. I just heard from someone that she didn't like me and it bothered me because we didn't know each other well, I had never done anything to her and, OK, I just couldn't accept that she didn't like me.

It bothered me so much that I finally just went up and asked her why she didn't like me. Yep, I did. I actually had the sense not to talk about her behind her back or start a rumor about her to get back at her (because that would have ended badly in addition to not being nice). I just went up to her one day in the hall and calmly asked her, "Why don't you like me?". I know it sounds pitiful but I had to know. Do you know what she said? "Because you're too nice." Well, what could I say to that? Nothing. I basically said, "Okay" and went about my business.

What did it teach me? Everyone is not going to like me and you guessed it, I just can't please everybody. Since being nice was not something I was willing to change, I had to accept that she just wasn't going to like me. Over the years that acceptance has grown into the understanding that, while I still want everyone to be happy, I don't need them to be happy with me.

I have also narrowed my focus of who I want to please and why. I have wasted a lot of time and energy through the years taking responsibility for other people's happiness. Caring for someone is never a waste of time. Believing that their happiness is based changing how you behave, look, or give to please them, is a big waste of time.

I still have a lot to learn but here are the reasons I know this to be true.

  • I am not the origin of happiness; Christ is. He is the giver of all good things (James 1:17). I am just His servant and am to be most concerned with pleasing Him.
  • He has a plan for me. If I am willing to change who I am or try to be good at things he has not gifted me with in order to please whoever is in front of me at the moment, it will not only  displease God, it will be tear me apart.
  • The people God puts in your life to love and support you and for you to love and support back, do not need you to be somebody different to like you.
If you know me, you know I haven't stopped wanting everybody to be happy. I still work to remember I am not the one who is responsible for their happiness. I pray to do my best to share my joy and help everybody know where it comes from and then trust God to take care of the rest.

Peace and Joy in Christ,
Amy Gieger